Shades of Grey
Posted: January 4, 2012 Filed under: Uncategorized | Tags: church, empathy, Friendship, Ministry, redemption 2 Comments »I have a love-hate relationship with “grey.” The color, the concept, any and every expression of the word, really.
It feels at times indecisive, complex, mysterious, ambiguous, indefinable, unaccountable to me. Somehow, “grey” can’t be judged on any grounds. It gets a pass. It is as if there exists no filters or rules outside of black and white. I like black. I like white. I know what to do with them. I like the contrast, I like the clarity.
I am surrounded by some really brilliant, beautiful people. Many of them are gifted artists and creative minds. They, unlike me, love grey. They find it inspiring and textured and nuanced and interesting.
I do not. I want to wrestle it down and make it decide what it will be. Black or White. Take your pick, but those are your choices.
My way seems like a much simpler way to live, right? Except the longer I try to live seeing only in black & white, the more blind I become. Blind to a world full of complicated, broken people. Blind to my own nuanced thoughts and emotions. We are filled with great intentions and mixed motivations. We are selfish and ambitious and generous and noble. Nothing stays entirely black or white for long, it would seem.
It is naive and overly simplistic not to acknowledge shades of grey. Sure, the resolution or decision or action step might be quite clear, but to acknowledge the grey in a given situation, at least for me, is to practice empathy. It is choosing to enter in to a subjective perspective, often one very different than my own. It is to affirm the heart of another, even when it might be misguided and camoflaged in hurt or deception. It is to see the world with eyes of redemption rather than judgement.
And I’m no good at any of it. Empathy is decidedly not my strong suit. Ask any family member of mine. Actually, please don’t! Just take my word on it! I do not naturally empathize. I am quite impressive at judging. I have to work really hard to perceive grayscale at all! I score almost a perfect zero in gifts of mercy on a spiritual gifts test. I am not kidding! You do not want me making hospital visits, you do not want me as a counselor. And while it’d be easy for me to leave the “grey” to others better suited for it, to do so would be disobedience. I am called to see the world as it was intended to be and as it one day will be again. To settle for anything less would be flatly reductionistic. And no one, not even I, like to be reduced to the confines of black or white. There’s a lot of life happening and ministry to be done in all these shades of grey. And I don’t want to be blind to any of it.
It Doesn’t Go Without Saying
Posted: December 27, 2011 Filed under: Uncategorized 1 Comment »I’ve adopted a new mantra this latter part of 2011: It doesn’t go without saying.
How did this come to be a mantra of mine you ask? Let me give you a few examples from my life (and surely yours as well):
“I just thought that went without saying.”
“I thought that’s what I was implying…”
“I assumed that was a given.”
“I thought you knew.”
Me: “AGH!!!! YOU THOUGHT WRONG!”
My experience is hardly unique in any of this, but it’s the only experience I’ve got, so that’s what you’re getting.
I am an external processor. I need a sounding board. I love brainstorming. I prefer dialogical communication. Q&A is like candy to me. It is far more unsettling to think about what a person might have on their mind and isn’t sharing vs. anything that might come out of their mouth. (Thus, it makes all the sense in the world why I not only started a blog, but also felt the need to write about talking! How much more external could my processing be?!)
I am fully aware of this mantra’s limits and am definitely not advocating verbalizing every thought that enters one’s mind. It is true that you cannot retract words spoken. Self-control is crucial. We all need to be discerning enough to know when to listen, when to choose words carefully, when to bite our tongues. But we also need to be discerning enough to know when regret or confusion or resentment or sin or all of the above will be the direct result of keeping quiet.
Logistically, I nearly lose my mind when something falls through the cracks or gets royally fumbled when it’s 100% preventable and due to a lack of communication. I’m not interested in watching the buck get passed or blame shifted. I want people to talk a thing through before it happens. YES, this can get painstakingly laborious. YES, this can border on nagging at times. YES, we all have different personalities. (Some prefer all the details in an Excel spreadsheet with a timeline attached and others pass out at the mere sight of bullet points.) However, when doing anything collaboratively, there is no getting around my mantra. Well, there is, but it’s not pretty!
Sometimes we severely underestimate what our thoughts mean to others. The voice, the perspective, the wisdom, the concern, the love within you needs to be heard more than you might realize. And it’s not always a hard conversation with a co-worker or an angsty 2 hour phone call with your sister. It’s not just a heart-to-heart with your spouse or your friend. The mantra is multi-purpose!! Everyone needs affirmation. Everyone is moved when told that their gifts are appreciated and that their work doesn’t go unnoticed. There are people around you that you admire and respect who have no idea. Who continually impresses you and would be floored to hear you say so? Who makes your life a little easier and how would they know the impact they make? Then, for the love, say so!
Say what you need to say.
(Go ahead, queue John Mayer. It’s ok. It’s a good song and is quite appropriate for this post!)
Because saying (rightly) what needs to be said is a good way to live.
Great Unmet Expectations
Posted: December 14, 2011 Filed under: Uncategorized | Tags: Leadership, Ministry Leave a comment »DISCLAIMER: To avoid a few potential unmet expectations about this post, let me say that these are thoughts I have largely regarding interpersonal communication in leadership. While I hope all this translates beyond the context I put it in, this is not so much about expectations you have of the Lord or even those that you have of yourself. For either of those 2 categories, I would much rather direct you to Pastor Jonathan Martin’s blog and/or podcasts!
Us leaders, we can get really frustrated (quite frequently) when those on our teams, whom we love and have invested a great deal of time, energy, prayer and resource into, seem to be falling short on a regular basis. Maybe it’s in the same areas, maybe not. Maybe it’s the same people, maybe not. Maybe it’s just not a “good fit” for them. Maybe you are hitting some spiritual resistance. Maybe they need more discipline or accountability or maturity. Maybe.
But maybe YOU, leader, are the problem. Or at least, part of it.
Because in my experience (and in Scripture, I should add) a good leader is always self-reflecting and looking for the conspicuous plank before becoming consumed with the irritating speck. When I do that, take a look at what I could do differently to facilitate change or growth in someone, 1 of 2 things is more often than not the case for me:
1. Either the expectation given wasn’t clear or wasn’t clearly communicated in ways that he or she could receive it.
OR
2. The expectation was unrealistic to begin with.
Either way, adjustment is required and must start with the leader.
When my husband, Nathan, and I were doing our pre-marital counseling 8+ years ago, our pastor at the time taught us the invaluable practice of repeating back to each other what we heard the other say. The point of the practice is to reveal discrepancies in what is actually being said versus what is being received. Doing this can be quite an enlightening experience! Even to this day we do this from time to time and it quickly clarifies the conversation. In leading people, we have to be sure that how & what we are communicating is actually computing the way we need it to! We ensure accuracy of the reception by speaking as plainly and directly as possible, by providing concrete examples, by giving written feedback and not relying solely on your verbal communication. We give plenty of room for dialogue and question asking. We define the “win” for them so they know what success looks like and how they know when they are moving toward it. We keep the expectation always in sight and revisit it from time to time.
But sometimes, no matter how clear a thing can be, it’s just not realistic. Clarity is no longer in question. It happens to all of us from time to time. We misjudge people’s abilities, underestimate the time & energy that is required to execute a particular assignment, or oversimplify the scope of a project. And in those times, we have to lead honestly enough to know when the disappointment or frustration we’re experiencing is of our own making.
Its never a fun thing to realize when you’ve set the bar too high or set it so ambiguously that you’re the only one who could see it. But remember that it’s certainly frustrating being the one trying to clear said bar and coming up short at every attempt. No one likes failing.
Do yourself and your team a favor by doing your part in limiting the potential for unmet expectations. For some of us that starts with committing not to create them in the first place!
Oh, and do me a favor and remind me of this post the next time you see me banging my head against the wall!
2011: The Year of the Executive Pastor
Posted: December 6, 2011 Filed under: Uncategorized | Tags: executive pastor, followership, Leadership, Ministry, Renovatus 1 Comment »It’s been a big year for Renovatus. Little did I know as 2011 came rolling in what a big year it’d be for me.
I won’t forget Pastor Jonathan calling me in to his office at the beginning of the year and telling me of his need for an Executive Pastor, of which we were all very aware. The church had grown in complexity and he was being inundated with matters that hindered him from focusing on the things God had called him to do. (And a good leader knows that delegating the things that others can do enables the leader to do the things that only he or she can do. But more on that another day!) What I didn’t anticipate was his suggestion (and by suggestion I mean edict) that I become his Executive Pastor. I anticipated I might be asked to assist the new Executive Pastor or help somehow in this new staff transition. I wasn’t expecting to BE the transition.
Don’t get me wrong- I know an awful lot about Renovatus and how she runs! I’ve worked at the church nearly since it’s inception over 5 years ago. It’s the longest I’ve ever worked anywhere, actually. The first fours years I assisted Pastor Jonathan and managed the office, which is to say I did a little bit of everything except the preaching! I have a solid grasp on Pastor’s vision and am completely committed to the mission we are on to join God in renovating lives. In those ways I was more than qualified to be his XO (I’m an army brat…that’s military speak for Executive Officer- the guy that the guy counts on). However, prior to that moment if you had asked me to describe an Executive Pastor, my honest descriptors would have been along these lines:
A middle-aged man with 10+ years experience in a corporate work environment, perhaps as a CFO or Vice President of Human Resources. Or maybe Director of Development at a national non-profit or something else with an equally as impressive title. Oh, and holds two post-graduate degrees (MBA & MDiv preferably).
On paper, if I were the one recruiting for the position, that’s who I would’ve been looking for. Fortunately for me, that wasn’t who Pastor was looking for and I wasn’t asked to find the next Executive Pastor, just to become her! Needless to say, it has been quite an adventurous year.
And a good part of the adventure is in the sharing of it with others. So, here are 4 of the many things I’ve picked up on along the way this year:
1. The Lead Pastor determines the role & scope of the Executive Pastor. What I mean to say is that the job is largely subjective. It is contingent upon the strengths, needs, personality and preferences of the Lead Pastor. It is a dynamic relationship with a number of variables and as such, the position will not look, but in fact be, very different from church to church. Because of that, I want to work really hard to understand on every level what my Lead Pastor expects of me and how he defines what success looks like in my position at Renovatus.
2. Executive Pastors Execute. This is not one that I’ve had to learn, honestly. I place a high premium on followership naturally, but I think is a very important point and can’t be overstated. It is not uncommon to hear of power struggles between the Lead Pastor and his or her second in command. This is almost always because of competing visions. Scripture is very clear about respecting and submitting to those in authority. The Lead Pastor is accountable before the Lord for the church, and as such, it is only appropriate that the vision he has be the one that is carried out. If you cannot support that vision you will end up creating your own, even if only internally, and it will cause divisiveness in your life, and ultimately, in your church. Trust God’s lordship over your pastor. Loyally follow him as he follows Christ.
3. Be Fiercely Protective. In this position you are privy to a great deal of “scoop.” For some reason, church people love to have the scoop, which means you are a walking target. Discretion, tactfulness, propriety, and self-control are crucial. Always speak honorably of others, specifically of your pastor and the staff. The churches who battle the least with gossip and slander are the ones whose leadership has made it a non-negotiable to protect unity within the body.
4. Be Intentional. My first few weeks and months in the job were spent largely responding- to emails, to event details, to conflicts, to situations. There will always be some measure of responding in any position. However, I quickly learned that I would have to actively choose intentionality and then fight to keep it amidst the day to day chaos! The position was new to the church and we were figuring out what it needed to look like and what areas needed my attention the most. I couldn’t wait until things settled a bit, until the church calendar was a little lighter. That day wouldn’t come. It would always be the default option to let the circumstances & crises of the day dictate my priorities. That’s no way to lead. Plan the work, work the plan and guard it like crazy unless the Lord or the Lead Pastor tells you to do otherwise!
There you have it. 4 of 5769+ things I’ve learned in 2011, my freshman year in executive leadership at Renovatus. Here’s to 2012 being our best year yet.
Ladies, We Just Don’t Know The Whole Story
Posted: November 28, 2011 Filed under: Uncategorized | Tags: family, Friendship, Motherhood, Parenthood, speech 9 Comments »There is great wisdom in thinking before speaking, for following a thought through before opening one’s mouth. We’ve all been both transgressors and victims of careless (or at least less than thoughtful) questions or comments. And I am willing to bet that the vast majority of our awkward and hurtful exchanges could have been avoided if a little more consideration had been paid upfront.
Specifically, I want to address wounds inflicted among women. And more specifically, when women inquire of other women about their desire, or lack there of, for children. It’s usually done innocently enough: “So, when are you guys going to start makin’ some babies?!” or “Why no kids yet? You know there’s no such thing as the ‘right’ time!” Right. Or how about when we bring up each other’s sex lives when we ask, “So, are you guys trying right now? You gotta try a lot!” Keep Trying. Or when we put our foot a little further in our mouth when we do get a reply, but misinterpret it as an invitation to dig a little deeper: “Well, don’t worry- it’ll happen when it’s suppose. And you know what they say, stressing about it makes it even harder to conceive!” Thanks for the tip.
Ladies, please hear me. There are times and places and relationships in which these conversations are more than appropriate. What I’m referring to is when an intimate family choice is discussed flippantly and casually, as if it were commonplace and open to the public. I know we don’t mean to offend and certainly don’t set out to hurt each other, but inevitably, without proper care we end up face to face with a woman who is:
In an unhealthy marriage and praying to God she doesn’t get pregnant right now
Struggling with infertility and all the shame and insecurity that comes with it
Trying really hard to be supportive and content and full of faith in light of her husband’s infertility
Recovering from miscarriage #3 and really wants to hit you right now (please do not say anything remotely like, “it just wasn’t the right time” or “it’ll work the next time” or “it’s probably for the best”)
Content and at-home in her decision not to have children, but who still has a hard time communicating that choice without feeling judged or condescended to (“Oh, you’ll change your mind eventually!”)
18 months into “trying” and getting nowhere, who has spent hundreds of dollars on pregnancy tests and ovulation kits, and is praying that this month will be the month that the stupid stick produces a plus sign for once!
Still reeling from postpartum depression & sleep deprivation like no other and if another person jokingly asks when she’s ready for Baby #2 she might just implode on the spot.
The list of potential scenarios could go on and on. I do not mean to make anyone fearful to ask a question or have a meaningful conversation with someone. I am simply suggesting that when discussing issues of family planning to consider the nature of your relationship with the woman, choose your words carefully, and be mindful of your context. Maybe a dinner party or waiting in line for the bathroom is not the best time to discuss the most successful positions for conceiving. Or maybe what is easy for you to talk about regardless of the time or place, is not as easy for others. Be discerning. Express interest, love and concern with as much propriety as you can muster. And when those times come when we are on the receiving end of a well-intended word that feels more like a blow to the uterus, let’s agree right here and now to find a gracious way to say as much to one another. Let’s acknowledge that we rarely know the whole story and ignorance is no excuse for recklessness. Let’s love one another carefully.
Don’t Judge!
Posted: November 19, 2011 Filed under: Uncategorized | Tags: Friendship, Working Mom 5 Comments »It’s taken me a long time to be content in not being great at everything. Somewhere along the way I bought into a horrible lie that success looked like effortlessly excelling in every possible category. And everyday I would come up short in my own expectations. Shouldn’t I be able to lead innovative, challenging staff meetings by day, (complete with compelling illustrations and visually interesting presentations) and be home just in time to whip up a meal out of Bon Appetit, sew a costume for my 3 yr old, order the most thoughtful birthday gift ever for my mother, bathe my 1 yr old, and fluff the couch pillows all before my community life group arrives at 7pm?
After Papa John’s provides dinner and the trip to Target solves the costume crisis, after foregoing bath time for a night and apologizing for the state of my house when our guests arrive, defeated Me would start in on a vicious cycle of faux problem solving to ensure success the next time around. If I managed my time better, if I planned my meals further out, if I had a cleaning schedule, if I had an administrative assistant, if I created better rhythms- then surely I could do it all. Surely.
I can’t pinpoint a moment when the revelation came, or perhaps I should say began. Maybe it was during a 3am feeding a few months ago. Maybe it was after staring at an overflowing email inbox or the dozen post-it notes that litter my office desk. Maybe it was while sitting on a pew in a worship service. But probably not. It probably began with hearing honest stories of others. Those whom I always presumed were juggling life with great joy and grace and without stress or tears. The idol of “effortless excellence in all things” began to crack. Praise God.
One of my dearest friends is also a working mom. She’s brilliant in her field, which is pretty demanding and time consuming. Simultaneously, she is raising 2 boys (hopefully one for each of my girls 40 yrs from now!) which we all know is a mammoth calling in and of itself. She & I share a saying. It’s always delivered with a bit of humor and a lot of sass. And it’s always received with smile. It usually comes at the end of a confession of sorts and it goes something like this, “my house looks like I’ve been robbed. Don’t judge.” Or “Why yes, I am still in my pajamas. Don’t judge.” Or “I can’t make it tonight, I’ve got a work function. Don’t judge.” It’s our way of asking for grace from each other. It’s our way of acknowledging that we can’t do it all, at least not all of time. And it’s a great reminder that no one, the Lord especially, is expecting us to.
If I Had a Blog…
Posted: November 18, 2011 Filed under: Uncategorized | Tags: Friendship, Leadership, Renovatus, Women in Ministry, Working Mom 2 Comments »In recent weeks, after being inspired by the brilliant bloggers that surround me, I found myself often thinking, “If I had a blog, I’d write a post about ___!” And ___ would inevitably be whatever soapbox I was on in that moment. I had great reasons for not starting a blog. Everyone has a blog. I’d be 6-8 years late to the blogging party. Blogs are dying by the droves as of late. Lots of people start blogs with great gusto only to abandon them & their audiences 3 months into the journey. Spare time is M.I.A. for T. Rouse in this particular season of life. Yet none of these reasons (read: excuses) were sufficient in refuting the nagging urge to speak to anyone who wants to listen to what little I know and how much I’m learning about ministry, leadership, family, friendship, and whatever other randomness enters my life on any given day!
So, here’s the deal:
I am the Executive Pastor at Renovatus: a church for people under renovation, as we like to say. One of my primary responsibilities at the church is leading our staff. As such, I am often times a sounding board for them and at least daily a head will pop in my office and say, “Do you have any thoughts on blahblahblah?” to which I almost always reply with great enthusiasm, “I have thoughts about everything! All of the time!” Thus, blogging seems like a good outlet for some of these thoughts.
And while I don’t presume my life to be that “different” than most, I am a working mom in full-time ministry. I am married to an actor & producer who also is the best stay-at-home dad you’ll ever meet. So, I think it’s fair to say that our family dynamic is a bit nontraditional. And by nontraditional, I mean amazing. Marriage and parenting, no matter what the dynamic, are always thought-provoking, amen?!
I get to live and work and play with some of the most beautiful people on the planet, all of whom teach me a lot about what it means to be human.
And in all my spare time (time that will be intentionally carved out and created- not randomly found or stumbled into) I will choose to spend some of it sharing my story and never-ending thoughts with you!
